Soulprints - Amyline Quien Ching

Heal-Bound

One mom finds life after HIV
Text by Amyline Quien Ching
Photo by Pinggot Zulueta

(Her story is truly inspiring. Here is someone who managed to turn a 'disability' into something that can make a difference in other people's lives.)

If Corazon* expected to hear “I love you” on her husband’s deathbed, she would have waited in vain. What she got from him was a different set of words, one that changed her life for(n)ever: “May AIDS ako!”

Whispered mere minutes before he flatlined, her initial shock and rage drowned in the scuffle of medical doctors in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). She wanted so much to lash out right there, to cry and beg him to take his words back.

He never did. And after his cremation, two pieces of paper made it evident that he never would. One was a lab exam result that told her she was positive for Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV+). HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is a virus that can lead to AIDS. It suppresses the immune system and infects the blood vessels and the nervous system. The other was a letter detailing the secret that her husband kept for six years, including the events that led to his illness.

Despite having four kids all dependent on her, she wanted to die that day. People may not understand but death, was for her at that time, the closest she can get to even making it through the ordeal in one piece.

“Gustuhin ko mang magalit, wala na akong ilalabas. Wala na rin namang oras. At saka sa sobrang sakit, hindi mo na kaya na may maramdaman pa. Gusto mo na lang matapos na para hindi mo na pagdaanan… o matulog, baka sakali na bangungot lang.”

Nagging feelings

An OFW, Corazon’s* husband got sick while doing mission work in South Africa. It was when he renewed his contract and took lab tests that he found out he was HIV+ . He told no one. Even when he got so sick, he did not let on. He even went to albularyos in far-flung cities and provinces as if he had not quite accepted yet his condition.

“Naubos ang pera namin nun dahil sa pagpapagamot at pagpapaospital niya. Wala naman kasing pagkakaiba ang symptoms ng HIV sa mga usual na sakit. Pag may HIV kasi, mas madali kang kapitan ng sakit. Sinisira niya yung immune system. So ang mga sakit mo, trangkaso, pneumonia, hepa, palagnat-lagnat lang, rashes. Kung wala kang alam tungkol sa HIV, hindi mo maiisip na yun ang sakit. Kahit nga yung mga doctor na tumingin sa kanya, hindi nakita,” she explains.

On hindsight, she recalled situations that nagged at her, inconsistencies that should have pushed her internal alarm system. A former pastor, her husband didn’t have any vice. When he came back, he started drinking. His usual cheerful self became dark and moody. Although he remained kind and gentle with the kids, he underwent a massive character shift.

Another telling point was when he asked Corazon* to immediately stop breastfeeding their bunsoy, Mario*. He reasoned that it might ruin her figure but now, she knew that it was because of the possibility that she might infect the baby.

But as much as she wanted to get mad, being in the same shoes made her realize that divulging was not as easy as it seems. Hers was just a secondary infection but it took her years before she had the nerve to tell her kids. What more her husband, who along with the disease, also had to own up to an indiscretion?

“Hindi ko siya masisisi. Sa iba ko ngang mga anak, yung counselor pa yung nagdivulge. Natakot din kasi ako dahil iba yung naging effect sa panganay ko.”

Thinking that her oldest is mature enough, she told him about his father’s death and her condition. But instead of inspiring him to work harder, he rebelled and started flunking in class. He even got mad at her and for a long time, she thought he would never be able to accept her. It was then that she realized, not all people can handle the truth and that sharing a secret as devastating as that was could have repercussions.

“Hindi lahat ng tao kayang dalhin yung katotohanan. Yung pag-divulge, hindi ganun kasimple. Dapat may counseling, may seminar. Dapat alam na nila kung ano yung sakit at ano ang ma-eexpect nila. Dun sa mga sumunod, okay naman yung naging resulta. Yung huli kong pinagsabihan, yung bunso, lalong nagsipag simula ng malaman niya.”

Hard work is something that she always reminds her kids to do. She knows that she is breathing on borrowed time and the only thing that she can leave them with are, their education and the lessons in life that they learned from her struggles. Right now, she is working on securing for them college scholarships.

“Madaming nagbago mula ng magkasakit si Daddy. Dati nakakalabas kami at nakakabili ng mga bagong damit pero ngayon hindi na. Nung simula ang hirap talaga tanggapin. Si mama parang sirang plaka yan, paulit-ulit. Magaral daw kami at magsipag. Kahit minsan nakukulitan na kami, alam naman namin na tama siya. Pag nawala siya, sarili na lang namin ang pwede naming asahan. Walang iba,” says one of her girls, Elisa*

Food for her soul

HIV kills. You only need to read the statistics and the remaining millions, all quaking in fear to know that fact. But as Corazon* realized through her experience, HIV is a virus that can only bury your body but not your spirit. In the end, HIV even saved her life.

“Hindi ko sasabihin na hindi ako nahihirapan. Ang plastic ko naman. Ngayong taon, nararamdaman ko na yung mga sakit. Nandun yung takot na anytime mamamatay ka na. Nandun yung pandidirihan ka ng mga tao. Hindi ka tatangapin sa trabaho dahil may HIV ka. Siyempre, iniisip ko yung mga anak ko. Kung paano sila pag nawala na ako. Pero pag iniisip ko yung mga natutulungan ko araw-araw, yung mga pasyente na napapagaan ko ang loob at yung mga nagawa ko para sa mga anak ko, nawawala yung takot at yung hirap. Kung ikaw ba naman yung sabihan na kung hindi dahil sa iyo, patay na sila, hindi din ba gagaan yung loob mo? Ngayon mas gusto mong mabuhay kasi maraming may gusto na mabuhay ka.”

A few years after she was diagnosed, Corazon* joined Pinoy Plus, an association of HIV+ patients who take care of other HIV+s. It was there that she found friends and a purpose. It was there that she started to live again.

She started with hospital rounds and basically took care of them, from feeding to changing their lampins. Now, she tours the country and spreads information through seminars in hospitals and schools. Her speaking engagements and volunteer work provide food for the table and her flagging spirit as well.

“Maliit lang ang kita. Minsan nga kapos pa. Pero yung pagtulong kasi, di mo matatawaran e pati yung knowledge na marami kang nadamayan, natulungan. Ako kasi yung nanay ng mga positive e,” she relates.

Different kind of mom

Playing mom to HIV+ patients is a role that she may have reluctantly took on but now a vocation that she learned to love. Perhaps it was because it reminded her of her own ordeals, the first few years. She saw herself in their eyes, lost, depressed, and without hope. There were times back then when she wanted to give up. Confused and scared, she even left her two girls in charitable institutions.

“Dumating ako sa point na hindi ko alam yung gagawin ko. Sa sobrang takot ko, iniwan ko yung dalawa kong anak na babae sa pangangalaga ng iba. Ang isip ko, wala naman akong ipapakain sa kanila kaya mabuti pa na iwan sila dun kesa naman magutom kaming lahat. Doon, makakapagaral pa sila, bagay na hindi ko maibibigay”

But seeing some of her HIV+ friends die during her stint in Pinoy Plus made her see time in a completely different light. Losing people she loved made her realize that she can’t waste time being apart from her kids. No hardship is insurmountable when faced as a family. She got her kids back and they are now together. Yes, they do starve sometimes especially during lean months but never will she gave them up or give up on them, again.

She may not be the perfect person and in her own words, not the perfect mom… maybe not even the perfect woman but she knows that when she dies, she will not be ashamed or regretful to say “May AIDS ako.” She would have already lived her life in full and that’s all that matters.

*not their real names

posted by Amyline Quien Ching @ 6:40 PM